Red XIII's troubled life
by frostwolf
Summary: The story of Red XII's life! This is because he doesn't get enough attention. Please R and R! Ch. 3 up!
1. Identity Crisis!

Hey let me check... nope, still don't own anything.  
  
This is actually my second story... My first one won me a suspension!  
  
During the game, Cloud continuously kicked the soccer ball at Red XIII. Eventually, it must have traumatized him and caused something to snap...  
  
Narrator: One day Red XIII felt very angry at the world  
Red XIII: Grrrr...  
Narrator: So he decided to be *DUM DUM DUM* EVIL!  
Red XIII: I'll do what most people don't want me to do!! man that was corny...  
Narrator: And thus he goes out to follow the stereotypical image of a evil person.  
  
At 7th Heaven  
  
Red XIII strides in feeling very happy with himself  
Tifa: *reading How to Convince Everyone That Your Boobs Are Real and doesn't even look up* hey Red...  
Red XIII: Notice anything different?  
Tifa: nope...  
Red XIII: I got my ear pierced!  
Tifa: you already had them pierced  
Red XIII: ummm.... I got a tattoo?  
Tifa: Had that too. That's not very evil anyways...  
Red XIII: grrrr... *storms out*  
Tifa: bye Red.  
Red XIII: hmmm, what could I do that would be mean?  
Narrator: Red XIII then saw Marlene.  
Red XIII: hey why don't you shut up?!  
Narrator: Fine you big poopy head! *sticks his tongue out and then leaves*  
Red XIII: *jumps out in front of Marlene* Give me all your money kid!  
Marlene: Hi Red! Wanna play?  
Red XIII: ummm... not now... just give me your money!  
Marlene: You're so cute! *hugs him then skips off*  
Red XIII: *sigh*  
Narrator: So Red set off discouraged. (Yea I'm back you punk! You can't boss me around!)  
Red XIII: whatever...  
Narrator: don't give that tone you @#%$! *suddenly the narrator explodes*  
Red XIII: right... *suddenly spot a house with an average family inside* I know! I'll break into that house and rob them of their savings!  
Narrators mouth: So Red XIII busted into the house and stole all of the gil and materia.  
Red XIII: HAHAHAHA!  
Average man: We don't care if you steal our life savings.  
Red XIII: you don't?  
Below Average kid: nope, you guys did it throughout the game. Bustin' in a house and takin' what you wanted...  
Red XIII: *sighs and puts the stuff back* There is only one person who can help me with becoming evil...  
Narrator's Talking Toe: So Red XIII traveled to Northern Crater.  
Red XIII: Sephiroth, teach me how to be evil!  
Sephiroth: (wearing a chef hat and holding an overly large spoon labeled Masamune jr.) Red, you aren't evil, you need to look within yourself... *he then gives a lecture that lasts about 2 hours* ... and that is why everything always goes back to the cow.  
  
7th Heaven  
  
Tifa: You over being evil Red?  
Red: Yea, I figured it isn't what I wanted to be. *Tifa then leaves. Red XIII then looks around to see if anybody is looking* I'm gonna be a pirate! *puts on an eye patch* Arrrggg!  
  
Not one of my better ideas... Please review! 


	2. childhood memories

I own nothing...  
  
Took me long enough to get this chapter up. This is for all of the Red XIII fans who used him as soon as they got him and never abandoned him because his level 4 limit only hurts 9999 once!  
  
Cloud: hey Red, what was your past like? Red: well...  
  
back at Cosmo Canyon so many years ago...  
  
(a real father son moment) Red: hi father *yawn* blah blah blah Seto: I will never leave you *yawns* blah blah blah *gets hit by a petrifying arrow* crap...*turns to stone* Red: oops! Out of softs. Hey, now I can stay up as late as I want! but who's gonna take care of me? Dog Pound Guy: *grabs Red in a net* I got one! Red: Hey! I'm not a dog! Dog Pound Guy: sorry talking dog, I can't hear you cause I'm deaf. Red: ...  
  
somewhere else Vincent:......! (someone has used my line!)  
  
at the dog pound  
  
A little annoying girl who I will call Helga (no offense to you Helgas out there) walks in.  
  
Helga: OOOHHH! DADDY DADDY I WANT THIS PUPPY!!! *starts to strangle Red in a bear hug) Red: but.. im... not ... a dog... Helga: HE'S SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!! *ties a leash to him and then drags him out of the pound* Red: *getting dragged through the chairs and everything else painful* ow ow ow ow ow.  
  
At Helga's expensive house  
  
Helga: MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME DOGGY!! Red: can you stop shouting? Helga: NO!!!!! Red: just thought I might ask... Helga: NOW ITS TIME TO PLAY RUNNING WITH SCISSORS!! *runs around the house with a sharp pair of scissors* NOW ITS YOUR TURN!! Red: what did my dad say again about running with scissors?  
  
Flashback  
  
Red: hey dad, is it dangerous to run with scissors? Seto: *drunk, wearing a beer hat, and watching football* shut up! I'm trying to watch the game... *passes out*  
  
back in the house  
  
Red: okay! *runs with scissors but he trips and pokes his eye* ow! (battle scar my foot!) Helga: HEY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!!!! *kickes Red into a room labeled sharp objects* Red: Owwww!!!! *trips and then falls down the stairs* ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! *then Helga pushes a piano down the stairs...*  
  
back in the present  
  
Red: It's a little blurry after that... *he then walks out*  
  
Cloud then unzips his skin to reveal that he is truly Helga!! Helga: hehehehe...  
  
Not one of my better ideas again... plz review! 


	3. Adult Trauma

I do not own anything... *sigh*...  
  
It is Red XIII's 60th birthday, which is the same as 21 for humans. The whole gang is over (except for Aeries of course, being dead and all). Cloud and Tifa are loving each other, Cait Sith and Yuffie were being stupid as usual (I hate those two..), Barret is acting like Mr. T, Cid is smoking like a chimney, Vincent is sulking, and Red XIII is opening his presents from everybody.  
  
Red XIII: Thanks Vincent for the cape! Vincent (cape-less):........... Red XIII: *opening the presents from Cloud, Yuffie, CS, Barret, and Cid* Wow! Hair gel, a broken materia (Yuffie: I didn't need it anymore), a megaphone, Mr. T doll (I pity da foo!), and cigarrettes, gee thanks Cid. Cid: .......(can't talk, his lung are burnt out) Vincent:............! (he stole my line!) Tifa: Here Red Red XIII: *opens the gift* a soft? Tifa: for your father! Red XIII: yea, thanks...  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Seto: you know son, I think its time we had a talk.. Red XIII: about girls? Seto: No, about tadertots. I mean, where do they come from? Why are they so yummy...  
  
1 hour later  
  
Seto:... and why are they called tots instead of dots? Red XIII: (crazy by now of course) AHHHHHHH! *shoots his father with petrifying arrows* (why else wouldn't he think of using a soft? He's supposed to be a genius!)  
  
BACK TO PRESENT (ha, present...) TIME  
  
Red XIII: Thanks guys! You're the best friend a guy can have!  
  
Outside of the house...  
  
Red XIII: *gets booted outside* Why are you kicking me out? Barret: because you're old and need to get a life foo! Red XIII: but you guys are all adults and freeloaders! Barret: ummmmm....ummmmm.... *closes door and runs* Red XIII: well I guess I can just go back to Cosmo Canyon... At Cosmo Canyon Red XIII: An eviction notice?!? Land lord: You and your friends have barged into people's houses uninvited for the last time! *slams the gate into Cosmo Canyon* Red XIII: Now where do I go?  
  
So Red XIII eventually buys the house in Earthbound (for those of you who have never played it, it is a dump and it has no back wall).  
  
Red XIII: well at least it's quiet... Evil mailman: here is you bills! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Red XIII: WHAT?!?! Taxes? House payment (I bought the darn thing!)? Credit card bill? I don't have a credit card! (In a store, Yuffie is on a shopping spree with a credit card under a Red's name). What are they gonna charge me for next? Now very evil mailman: oops! Forgot one! Red XIII: A fine for indecent exposure? Very evil mailman: gotta wear pants in public man! Red XIII: grrrrrrrr  
  
So Red XIII gets a job at the local fast food vendor.  
  
Red XIII: *grease splatting in his good eye* ow...ow...ow...ow...This sucks! I don't wanna be old anymore!!! Waaaaaaaa! *has a tantrum*.  
  
Then after spending time in the insane asylum, he moves back in with the crew by paying a lot of rent because if he didn't then it just wouldn't be interesting anymore.  
  
Red XIII: *watching Marlene drinking again, Barret being sued by Mr. T, and Cloud's hair falling out from too much gel* home sweet home..  
  
Don't get me wrong, Red XIII is my favorite character. If he isn't in Advent Children or Kingdom Hearts 2 then I'm gonna.... Plz review! 


End file.
